In the last installment of “How To Be Classy Like Me” we discussed wine drinking. I trust you’ve been practicing, because I have another skill set for you to master. This one is advanced, and can only be pulled off by the classiest of people.
Today’s lesson is in providing your guests a comfortable room to sleep in during renovations. The goal of this exercise is to make sure your guests feel like they are really a part of the renovations.
The best way to accomplish an experiential visit, they will never forget, is to literally put them right in the middle of renovations.
We call this look “Renovation-Chic”.
Step 1: Do not remove the rigid insulation from the wall which you used to drain water during your 2:30am flooding, before your roof was on.
Step 2: Leave a shop vac in the room, but do not use said shop vac to entirely clean up drywall dust. We’re going for ambiance. There is a fine line between the classy ambiance of a renovation-retreat and that of a house doomed to squatters rights. Choose carefully. You want to make sure it looks like a drywall dust pile, not a cocaine stock.
Step 3: Lighting. You must give your guests lighting. The only exception to this is if you place them in your open air addition which will have ample moonlight. They should be able to see in moonlight. If they can’t, make them an appointment at your optometrist. They may need a vision test. No ample moonlight? That’s why they make super classy camouflage colored headlamps. Keep at least one of these in your “classy-shit-I-own” stockpile. I know you own one; that is, if you’re classy like me.
Step 4: Place strategic equipment, like a laser level, in the room. You see how the orange and silver of the laser plays off the orange and gray of the shop vac? This is called design balance. It’s exceptionally important to achieve in a well coiffed room.
Step 5: This is hands down the most important step – the bedding. Please, under all circumstances, do not allow your guests to sleep on a bed with a frame and box spring. Remember, we’re going for renovation-chic. I would highly suggest an older mattress directly on the floor. To allow them a secure place to prop up against to read, please provide them a proper headboard. One made of cement board is preferable as it is aesthetically pleasing while still utilitarian. Very chic.
Step 6: Finally, make sure to have extension cords, and other wires, still exposed in the room. These wires should not be hot, unless by hot you mean hot as in extremely classy, as long as they aren’t live you’re safe. Note: You want your guests live, thus, you do not want your wires live if the ends are exposed. If they go to a box, in order to power your lighting source, you’re right on target with the renovation-chic style.
Your guests must be of utter importance and class to stay in your renovation-chic guest room. This is why we only allow the admittance to the best of the best.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you….
As a final touch, it’s always a good idea to provide your guest with a dog to sleep with upon his choosing. Or upon the dogs choosing, whichever one fits.
P.S. In all seriousness, Yay! Now you know the special guest who came to help Andy work on our house. Andy’s Dad is here with us for a few days, and they are working on getting the basic structure of the porch built, and continuing work on the actual addition as well. Bob has renovated two houses in his day and it doesn’t bother him a single bit to sleep in this room in the condition it is, he actually thinks it’s great. He also completely and totally loves dogs, so he is more than happy to have them jump all over him and sleep with him.
Oh, and Bob is a pretty classy guy, so he fits right in anyway since he has a PhD. True story.