Hey guys. I have a post coming up soon to show you all about the new walls we’ve framed out and man is it so surreal to see the rooms coming to fruition. For so long we’ve just been imagining them. Todays post is about a topic that sort of keeps me from writing sometimes, and I figured if I talked about it, I might just be able to go ahead and write better.
Let me share a few ground rules. Normally on blogs when people share a struggle they have there is a serious outpouring of support, of stories, etc. The reason to date I haven’t written about this, is because I absolutely do not want that. Other peoples stories (at least related to this) don’t help me. I specifically don’t go to forums for this reason. For a lot of people, the outpouring and stories help, for me it’s like “this is just something I have, let’s move on”. I’m writing this so we’re all up front with each other.
I’ve mentioned before I have anxiety. I mean, everyone has anxiety, just like everyone has happiness, sadness, annoyance, etc. No big deal. I unfortunately have an anxiety disorder I didn’t even know I had (by name) until I was 25. The signs were there since I was a little kid, but yadda yadda, anyway….yep, anxiety disorder of the OCD variety. In other words, sometimes my brain thinks things are scary that aren’t and worries too much about the “what ifs” of the future. I don’t typically fight with my anxiety like some people do, I sit with it in that moment, I’m compassionate towards myself about it and sometimes I make fun of myself for being anxious. It doesn’t mean I don’t need to lay down, but I don’t lay down and let my anxiety take me over mentally and jump into the drivers seat if at all possible. Other times, I can just feel the sensations of the anxiety physically. I breath into them, accept them with mindfulness and know that anxiety might *feel* horrible at times, but it can’t actually *do* anything to me.
I don’t want people looking at me as broken. I’m not broken. Everyone has their cross to bear and their struggles. Unlike some people, I don’t see my anxiety as a total curse. I also consider it my double edged sword of a blessing. While it truly can be exhausting at times, it also allows me to be more empathetic and compassionate to others, and it has helped me learn to be compassionate with myself. Also, it has shown me just how strong of a woman I am. It brings me to my knees, and brings me back to God. Sometimes my priorities get out of wack and everytime it helps bring things back into perspective. I call that a blessing.
Here’s the big reason I’ve never talked about my anxiety in any remote detail except maybe a sentence once.
It doesn’t deserve my time. Anxiety is something I have, it’s not who I am. Everyone has anxiety. I am someone who sees the beauty in the world, even if her brain is tired sometimes and the fog sets in. I see the blessings around me, and I’ll always be fine. I don’t live my life according to my anxiety. Of course there are days here and there I need to just stop and take care of myself, we all have to, but that’s okay (ppsst, it’s a good thing to do it even if you don’t have OCD). I see my anxiety as a nervous back seat driver who’s all “watch out!” and I’m like “stop backseat driving, I’ve got this.”
I just thought you guys should know.
Hopefully now that I’ve said it, and put it out there, it will make it easier for me to write and mention it once in a while. I’m admittedly squirming in my seat a little bit because it’s published and out there. Honestly though, if you deal with any sort of disorder or disease that hinders your life in anyway from anxiety to cancer, and exhausts you sometimes, you have my thoughts and you are not alone. Just remember depression is a liar, anxiety isn’t so scary if you run straight at it and ask it what it’s scared of (and that all anxiety wants is certainty – and no amount of compulsions will ever give it, because we can’t be certain of anything in life, that’s just the truth) and if you approach it with compassion it turns from a roaring lion into a scared child. If you have cancer, you can do this and fight fight fight. The point is….whatever you have…don’t hide from it. Run at it head on with the warrior heart that you have and accept it’s something you have, it’s not who you are.