How To Be Classy Like Me: Baking A Bundt Cake

In this installment of “How To Be Classy Like Me” we’re going to tackle baking. There are a few things you need to know before we start. Be prepared for the Queen of England to ask you to make her a cake for her next royal event. This in turn will make you so in demand that you’ll have to open a full time bakery, followed by making millions. So, if you want to make millions and meet the Queen of England then follow my directions precisely. If you don’t, I can’t guarantee you millions. If you do…I still can’t guarantee you millions but I can guarantee you the awe and admiration of all those you encounter that it might at least taste decent.

To be super classy you must start by realizing you literally have almost nothing in your kitchen to bake with. Because you have no butter, and no eggs, you consult a vegan cookbook. Everyone knows vegan baking is what classy people eat anyway.

After consulting Veganomicon you find a coconut lemon bundt cake and realize it’s the only recipe you have everything for. Except for lemons. Minor detail, you have limes. Or oranges. Or whatever.

Next heat your oven up and get your bundt pan out. If you need to grease it so it doesn’t stick, do it. If you have a non-stick one like I do, high-five.

Now look at your ingredients and directions and mix all that shit together. Why? Because it says to. Also, this is the part of baking you don’t totally suck at. You can mix. You can mix with the best of them. Why? You’re classy, of course.

Put that cake in the oven and set the timer. Do not forget to set the timer. You wouldn’t anyway, you’re awesome. Once a knife (or a fork, spoon handle, spatula, whatever) comes out clean your cake is done. Take it out of the oven. Admire it’s beauty. Now let it sit for about ten to fifteen minutes. DON’T TOUCH IT or try and flip it out.

In the mean time get your super pretty cake stand out that you’ve never used before. Or maybe you have, I don’t really know, I’m not in your kitchen. What I do now is that I had never used mine before. I got it over a year ago. That’s how often I bake cakes. At least, that’s how often I bake cakes that I don’t eat directly from the pan with a fork. Don’t worry, it’s a contemporary classy looking fork.

Once your cake cools to the specified time, put your cake stand over the pan and flip it. When it doesn’t flip out because it’s still too hot don’t wait for it to cool further. All you need to do is hit your cake pan like, fifteen times. Classy women don’t loose their cool, so hit your pan with a smile on your face. Even when your non-stick bundt pan totally messes your cake up, you remain calm and collected and do not at all swear or say things like “What the f….”. Also, classy women don’t mess up so make sure you blame your cake sticking on the brand new (year old but never used) non-stick pan, not on the fact that you didn’t let it cool enough. You need to be an accountable woman, you need to take responsibility for your actions, but this was clearly the pans fault. Blame it on the inanimate object you classy broad.

No one will ever know if you carefully pick up the broken piece of of your bundt cake, and then smash it back into the cake. Also, ignore any massive cracks you may have made when you hit the ever loving life out of your bundt pan…and it fell onto the counter instead of your cake stand. You don’t want to upstage other bakers anyway. Being the classy lady you are it’s good once in a while to prove you are also flawed—you know, or at least let other people believe you are (we know you aren’t).

When in doubt, regain that your cake is awesome by taking a photo of the part of it that isn’t cracked. Damn, you’re good.

The next, and final, step of baking an awesome cake like a classy woman is to cover up all of your mistakes with powdered sugar. Or at least try.

When that doesn’t work just cut it into pieces before you serve it. When someone picks up the piece that you smashed back into place and it breaks, compliment your guest on their strength and that you thought it looked like they had been working out.

You are good. You are really good. I’m proud of you, you classy woman. Keep on baking. Before you know it you’ll be making those millions.

Or just eating a ton of cake. Either way, you win.

xo,

Heather

Despite the fact that I do know how to drink wine like the lady I am, I was not drunk when I baked this. I wasn’t even tipsy. I didn’t even have anything to drink. I really am just that bad at baking, and I like to make fun of it. That said, the flavor of this was absolutely delicious.

Also, vegan baking is actually absolutely awesome. I really love it, even more so than normal baking most of the time. Veganomicon is a fantastic cook book to have around and this cake (yes it does exist) is unbelievable, even made with lime. I highly suggest it.

Oh, and if you want to see drunk cooking  I suggest this girl. Her YouTube channel is hands down my absolute favorite. It makes me crack up laughing every. single. time.

Chocolate Almond Butter & Coconut No-Bake Cookies

My favorite cookie is a homemade oatmeal raisin chewy cookie, so it’s no surprise I love these oatmeal based no-bake cookies too. I have memories of making them with my mom and grabbing one before it was fully set up so I could eat the warm oatmeal deliciousness.

These are still my favorite cookies to make. It may or may not have to do with the fact that I am baking challenged. I mean, I can bake, I’m just rather impatient with it and I am constantly altering recipes. Note: altering recipes works beautifully with cooking most of the time, with baking it’s a little more finicky. The thing I love about these no-bakes is that as long as you following the recipe basics it’s highly customizable for the most part. It would be super easy to make these using an almond or soy milk – or baileys. You can add pecans, walnuts or raisins. Top the hot cookies with a slice of a fresh strawberry, etc. There are so many options, which makes these fun.

Oh, and they take under 10 minutes to make.

I decided tonight to make a small batch of these to bring to our huge Thanksgiving tomorrow for dessert, along with a cheese/olive/salami platter for appetizers. Let me inform you that a small batch of these is enough. I’ll take photos of the dessert spread tomorrow and you’ll understand.

Ingredients

  • 4 tbsp Baking Cocoa Powder (not hot cocoa)
  • 2 cups of Sugar
  • 1 stick of Butter
  • 1/2 cup of Milk
  • 1 tbsp Vanilla
  • 2 cups of Almond Butter (or Peanut Butter)
  • 3 cups of Quick Oatmeal
  • Shredded Coconut (optional)
  • Wax Paper
  • Ice Cream Scoop (optional)

Directions

1.) In a largish non-stick pot (if available) add the cocoa powder, sugar, butter, milk and vanilla over medium heat. Let simmer for about 5 minutes, stirring to keep from burning and to dissolve all ingredients. While this is going roll out a large sheet of wax paper, about a foot or so.

2.) Add in your almond/peanut butter. If you are using natural almond/peanut butter make sure to heat it first and stir until smooth so it can incorporate properly. If you get chunks that won’t dissolve use an immersion blender to break them up. I had this issue as I had never used almond butter before, but heating it separately would have solved the issue.

3.) Once all ingredients are incorporated and smooth add the quick oatmeal and quickly stir to coat. This stuff sets up fast so get on it.

4.) Use the ice cream scoop and drop cookies on the wax paper. If you want, tap the top down with a fork.

If you’re using the coconut there are three ways (I can think of) that you can add it in. No matter what you choose it will be ridiculously delicious.

  • Toast it under the broiler and then top the cookies while still hot, slightly tap into the top of the cookie.
  • Keep it raw and top the cookies while still hot, slightly tap into the top of the cookie.
  • Toss it in with the oatmeal in step 3.

These are absolutely best while still warm. I highly suggest hovering like a bee over a flower and then making a dash for the goods once they are set up enough to easily pop off of the wax paper. Add a big glass of your favorite kind of milk, and wait for it. You feel that? That’s the feeling of pure delight. I suggest not worrying about the sugar and butter in these since they are a treat, not a regular.

XO,

Heather