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kitchen mischief sweets

How To Be Classy Like Me: Baking A Bundt Cake

August 2, 2012 – 10:30 am

In this installment of “How To Be Classy Like Me” we’re going to tackle baking. There are a few things you need to know before we start. Be prepared for the Queen of England to ask you to make her a cake for her next royal event. This in turn will make you so in demand that you’ll have to open a full time bakery, followed by making millions. So, if you want to make millions and meet the Queen of England then follow my directions precisely. If you don’t, I can’t guarantee you millions. If you do…I still can’t guarantee you millions but I can guarantee you the awe and admiration of all those you encounter that it might at least taste decent.

To be super classy you must start by realizing you literally have almost nothing in your kitchen to bake with. Because you have no butter, and no eggs, you consult a vegan cookbook. Everyone knows vegan baking is what classy people eat anyway.

After consulting Veganomicon you find a coconut lemon bundt cake and realize it’s the only recipe you have everything for. Except for lemons. Minor detail, you have limes. Or oranges. Or whatever.

Next heat your oven up and get your bundt pan out. If you need to grease it so it doesn’t stick, do it. If you have a non-stick one like I do, high-five.

Now look at your ingredients and directions and mix all that shit together. Why? Because it says to. Also, this is the part of baking you don’t totally suck at. You can mix. You can mix with the best of them. Why? You’re classy, of course.

Put that cake in the oven and set the timer. Do not forget to set the timer. You wouldn’t anyway, you’re awesome. Once a knife (or a fork, spoon handle, spatula, whatever) comes out clean your cake is done. Take it out of the oven. Admire it’s beauty. Now let it sit for about ten to fifteen minutes. DON’T TOUCH IT or try and flip it out.

In the mean time get your super pretty cake stand out that you’ve never used before. Or maybe you have, I don’t really know, I’m not in your kitchen. What I do now is that I had never used mine before. I got it over a year ago. That’s how often I bake cakes. At least, that’s how often I bake cakes that I don’t eat directly from the pan with a fork. Don’t worry, it’s a contemporary classy looking fork.

Once your cake cools to the specified time, put your cake stand over the pan and flip it. When it doesn’t flip out because it’s still too hot don’t wait for it to cool further. All you need to do is hit your cake pan like, fifteen times. Classy women don’t loose their cool, so hit your pan with a smile on your face. Even when your non-stick bundt pan totally messes your cake up, you remain calm and collected and do not at all swear or say things like “What the f….”. Also, classy women don’t mess up so make sure you blame your cake sticking on the brand new (year old but never used) non-stick pan, not on the fact that you didn’t let it cool enough. You need to be an accountable woman, you need to take responsibility for your actions, but this was clearly the pans fault. Blame it on the inanimate object you classy broad.

No one will ever know if you carefully pick up the broken piece of of your bundt cake, and then smash it back into the cake. Also, ignore any massive cracks you may have made when you hit the ever loving life out of your bundt pan…and it fell onto the counter instead of your cake stand. You don’t want to upstage other bakers anyway. Being the classy lady you are it’s good once in a while to prove you are also flawed—you know, or at least let other people believe you are (we know you aren’t).

When in doubt, regain that your cake is awesome by taking a photo of the part of it that isn’t cracked. Damn, you’re good.

The next, and final, step of baking an awesome cake like a classy woman is to cover up all of your mistakes with powdered sugar. Or at least try.

When that doesn’t work just cut it into pieces before you serve it. When someone picks up the piece that you smashed back into place and it breaks, compliment your guest on their strength and that you thought it looked like they had been working out.

You are good. You are really good. I’m proud of you, you classy woman. Keep on baking. Before you know it you’ll be making those millions.

Or just eating a ton of cake. Either way, you win.

xo,

Heather

Despite the fact that I do know how to drink wine like the lady I am, I was not drunk when I baked this. I wasn’t even tipsy. I didn’t even have anything to drink. I really am just that bad at baking, and I like to make fun of it. That said, the flavor of this was absolutely delicious.

Also, vegan baking is actually absolutely awesome. I really love it, even more so than normal baking most of the time. Veganomicon is a fantastic cook book to have around and this cake (yes it does exist) is unbelievable, even made with lime. I highly suggest it.

Oh, and if you want to see drunk cooking  I suggest this girl. Her YouTube channel is hands down my absolute favorite. It makes me crack up laughing every. single. time.

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kitchen mischief sweets

Strawberry{licious} Pie

August 19, 2011 – 1:47 am

Note: This is the first time I made the Pate Brisee crust on a super hot summer day. Needless to say it got soft very fast from a chilled state, and wasn’t the easiest thing to roll out because of the softness. It’s still delicious but be careful not to get it too thin like I did. Roll it around your rolling pin and onto your greased pie pan. Or, use a different recipe. Or, make pie in the winter. Or, eat up and who cares anyway.

Earlier this summer we picked 12 pounds of strawberries, which I promptly processed and vacuum froze for smoothies. Really though, all I wanted was pie. I have yet to make a single strawberry smoothie but the thought of pie is staring me down every time I open that freezer. Consider it done.

I started off with my very favorite pie crust ever, Pate Brisee. I love it because it’s versatile and delicious. I adapt my recipe from the Martha Stewart version. Her version doesn’t call for any spices in the crust besides sugar and salt. When I use it as a savory crust I like to add a teaspoon of herbs which compliment the filling. When I use it as a sweet pie crust I like to add a 1/2 teaspoon cake or pumpkin pie spice for just a little kick. This is just my preference.

Pate Brisee Pie Crust {adapted from Martha Stewart}

Ingredients

  •  2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1 teaspoon sugar
  • 1/2 teaspoon cake spice
  • 1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, chilled and cut into small pieces
  • 1/4 cup ice water
Directions
  1. In the bowl of a food processor, combine flour, salt, sugar and cake spice. Add butter, and process until the mixture resembles coarse meal, 8 to 10 seconds.
  2. Slowly add water through the feed tube while the machine is turned on. Pulse until dough holds together. The dough should not be wet or sticky, but should still hold together if squeezed. If it is crumbly, add more ice water a teaspoon or so at a time. I find that 1/4 a cup is sometimes too much.
  3. Divide dough into two equal balls. Flatten each ball into a disc and wrap in plastic. Transfer to the refrigerator and chill at least 1 hour. Dough may be stored, frozen, up to 1 month.
Ingredients
  • 1 quart strawberries or 1 large package frozen strawberries, thawed and drained (reserve drained juice)
  • 3/4 cup reserved juice, or water
  • 4 tablespoons cornstarch
  • 1 cup sugar
  • 1/4 cup reserved juice, or water
  • 1 tablespoon lemon juice
  • 1 cup sliced berries, fresh or frozen, thawed and drained
  • whipped cream
  • whole berries for garnish
Directions
  1. Combine strawberries and water in saucepan. Cook until just softened, about 4 or 5 minutes. (Let frozen berries thaw; heat but don’t cook them.)
  2. Mix together cornstarch, sugar, and water until smooth; add to hot berries. Cook over medium heat until sugar and cornstarch are dissolved.
  3. Add lemon juice; immediately remove from heat and let cool.
Assembling
  1. Preheat oven to 425 F.
  2. Thaw one of the crusts and roll into a 9 inch round. Grease the bottom of the pie pan and lay the crust on the bottom.
  3. Partially bake the bottom crust on 425 F for about 15-20 minutes. Pull out of the oven and fill with the Strawberry filling.
  4. Cover with foil and bake for an additional 30 minutes.
  5. Let cool so it sets up – if you can wait.
Happy Pie Making In A Hopefully Cooler Kitchen,
Heather
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